The Most Difficult Thing…

The most difficult thing about coming back to the Jedi community after being away for so long is the feeling of being completely inconsequential.

Even though I never took on any titles or positions of high power even then, I still felt like a part of the community.  I was recognized throughout the community, and I think, for the most part, respected.

Coming back now, I joke that I am a shade, but I am almost completely unknown.  I observe silently in the Facebook groups and on forums, sometimes completely anonymously, and sit silently in chats watching others interact familiarly.

And people think you just need to jump back in, and may say that, but you can feel that you can’t.  I could write a million posts, but that does not mean anyone will read them.  I have become inconsequential and completely ineffective.  Even worse is interacting with others who know my history, but there is still some level of needing to prove myself once again.

I still intend on remaining sans title, and it is not that I am craving a whole bunch of extra responsibility with everything else going on in my life, but it is extremely difficult to be standing on the outside and looking in on a community that I was there for the beginnings of, and feeling like people who came along a decade later require me to prove myself.  So I joke, but I really am somewhat of a shade.  I am the old hermit sitting out in some remote location (my tiny inconsequential wordpress blog) and only interacting with others on special occasions.

Some days I am perfectly okay with that.  Other days I really struggle.